I don't know by Anonymous
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I don't know
5 months ago,
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I can't stand to be on my own in my own mind. I'm not even hung up over anything most of the time. My mind just makes me think and do really stupid things. I don't know what to call it. I keep telling myself I'm just normal and it's a mental thing. But I keep coming back to these issues I have. The headaches are the worst, and they're relentless. I can't even pinpoint any one thing that causes my episodes, but the most common has to be whenever I think too much of how worthless I really am. When the person I like is gone, I'm distraught. I am constantly thinking about them. But there are times where I notice that they seem perfectly fine without me. That alone makes us not equal. When this starts happening I start thinking of suicide. It sickens me that I'm past teenage age and still thinking of things like that.
I have learned nothing after all of my issues and help I've gotten. I still bottle things up, I never go to anyone for help until they notice something is wrong.
I know that I'm so problematic, but I still pretend everything is fine. I'm not even sad besides the times I think about my self worth. I'm not that mopey of a person. Quite the opposite I think. Maybe that's just because of how much I hide things, but I don't dwell too much on the negative, it's a lot easier that way and saves me a lot of headache. This can also be really hard with my anxiety. I almost had a panic attack earlier when I went to the store because I had no idea there would be so many people. I used to think stuff like this was a joke, but I had cold sweat and I wanted to cry. I also wanted to lash out at someone. I go completely stiff. My head starts to throb, I wanted to go home as soon as possible. I'm not bad at talking to people, I'm bad at being around them.
But things will continue as they always have. It isn't going to stop, I'm just going to have to deal with it for the rest of my life. I feel like I'm not allowed to call it suffering, but that's what it feels like sometimes.
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